So to continue on my love life story, she ended up breaking up with him.

I was ecstatic, I was so happy, everything was falling into place for me! We were spending so much time together. Going everywhere, doing everything, the world was what WE made of it. We went to the piers in Long Island City, went on numerous dates, she came over my house a lot to spend the night, I mean what we had to me was simply amazing. I wanted to show her not only my world, but the whole world. Songs on the radio were making sense, and I understood how you can miss someone as soon as they leave. We sent each other cute texts while we were sleeping and I had a smile on whenever I saw her but not only because she made me happy, but because she was becoming a part of me. Could it be?

A few months go by and we were still happy as day one. I wanted her to have the "girlfriend" title since day 1, but she wasn't ready for another relationship yet. I totally understood, especially since her last one wasn't that long ago. When I asked her to be my girlfriend, she still said she wasn't really ready. I'm not complaining, we have a great thing going on. So I at least asked if we could just stay committed to each other and no one else, even if we aren't officially "boyfriend and girlfriend". We've been doing it all along but I wanted the reassurance that she only wanted to be with me. She said she doesn't want to see anyone else but me and that was more than enough. My feelings for her grew so much since the first time we started seeing each other.

One night she and I were partying and she got a little too drunk and she dropped the "L" word on me. I have two thoughts to that, she was drunk and was just saying stuff but I usually go by my philosophy of "drunken words are sober thoughts". I brought it up the next day and she said not to listen to anything she says when she's drunk. At one point we were talking about the "L" word, and I knew our feelings for each other were strong, but it kind of felt like we were denying how strong. We didn't talk about it after that, but a few days later I felt something weird. I was walking to work one morning and my iPod was playing, this song came on - The only exception by Paramore. While walking to work at 530am and listening to this song, I instantly thought of her and the song made perfect sense to me. I got super emotional on the way to work and truth be told, I almost shed a tear listening to it. That's when I know the word was in effect. A week or so later, she stayed over my house one night and we were "doing things". We just started when she holds me and whispered something I will never forget. "Make love to me." Right after that we got a lot more intimate than normal, and I couldn't hold my feelings back for her anymore. I said something right after she said that. I love you. She looked at me in the eyes and said "I love you too". Once we said it to each other, I was so happy. I felt like I had someone real, in an amazing relationship and I thought she could be the keeper. The next day while she was at work, I got a text message that almost made me cry.

"So... I'm sitting in the back of the office for a little and I was thinking to myself. Last night was amazing and I haven't felt like that in a while. Like right now, I feel like a little girl because it feels like floating or idk butterflies (insert blushing smiley). I wasn't sure about that until last night... When we both said it was when I realized I not only adore you, I love you." 

Could this be? I was at the point of bliss with our relationship and nothing was going to bring me down. I did everything I could for her, even helped her out when she had financial issues. She tried to decline but I insisted that I help her out because I knew she wasn't going anywhere and why would I not help help someone I love? When she left I got another text from her that made me feel like this was going to be one of those "forever" relationships that I want so bad.

"I know no other way to say this. You are the absolute best. You have no idea how it makes me feel inside. You show me how much you care sometimes more than the people I have known for such a long time. You are my everything and you have no idea how thankful I am to have you. Thank you for everything you do for me. I love you Brad, you are amazing." 

So at this point in our relationship I think to myself, "she's got to be ready by now!", so I ask her again because I couldn't wait for the day I could officially call her mine, she was my one and only and to finally let the world know would make everything complete. To my surprise, she said she wasn't ready again. I ask her why she's not ready, thinking it was maybe something that I could do and she said she doesn't know, she's just not ready. I was calm when I heard her replies, but in my head I was trying to figure out why after this amount of time she wouldn't want to be officially together. Slowly but surely, as if it knew how to ruin my life whenever something good happens, my biggest demon comes out to play.

My last two serious relationships were with completely different girls. Both of them were great at the start and developed problems later on, but I expected to work through them and boy was I wrong. My first one when I was 16-17 ended up hooking up with not one, but FOUR people that I called my "friends" at the time. After I found out that information I was more than devastated. How can someone be with you for 9 months and play games like that? I went along with my life thinking "that was just one time, she was just a bitch". My second serious relationship lasted almost a year and a half, and yeah we had our problems too but we worked on them a little. When I say we worked on them, I mean we fought about it and I always ended up compromising. I even went against my own morals because I thought I was trying to be "fair" with the give and take in the relationship. She made out with 3 people for the most stupid reasons. When I broke up with her, I gave her a second chance to work things out with me. It was cool for a while, but then I find out she was hooking up with someone I also called a "friend". At this point I was so crushed I couldn't believe it. To sum up those stories, women have hurt me because they were going to other people.

Back to the present. I was feeling so insecure about myself after that demon came up. Why wouldn't she want to be with me? I think I'm a great guy, and I haven't done anything wrong so it can't be me. Is it something with her? Does she not want me? Is she seeing someone else? 
It was that point that I caved and I just needed to know. I broke down one night while she was sleeping. I couldn't take it and lets just say I invaded her privacy and I'm not too proud of it. I think if you're smart you will put two and two together. I find out she was texting her ex boyfriend and as soon as I saw that, it was almost like one of those cartoons where the devil pops up on your shoulder and whispers in your ears. I brought it up with her and she told me the flat out story. I believed her, I mean why not if she came forward about it?

About a few weeks ago, something devastating happened to her family. She was in the hospital every day when she wasn't working or at school making sure she was there for her family. I completely understood that I wouldn't see her often at all, I mean they come first before anything. I made time to see her on breaks from her classes just for an hour and a half to simply grab some food, visited her at the office for the last hour of her work day, anything I could do to see her and show her that I am here for her, even when she has her life in a mess. 

Time goes by and I notice something different about us. At first I couldn't tell what it was and I was racking my brain trying to figure out why. Even our conversations seemed different and that's when it hit me. She wasn't saying she loved me anymore. POOF! As if by magic, the demon comes out again. I caved and about a week ago, I invaded her privacy again. She was still texting the same ex from the first time and at that point my heart was pounding, racing, pretty much about to jump out of my chest. I needed to talk to her about this, I just wanted to clear everything up and get some reassurance that it was still just me and her and no one else. She was in a rush to go to the hospital after work and she was picking up Cynthia before she went. I followed her in my car so that we could talk for a few minutes while she was waiting on Cynthia. I brought up the whole thing again and she says she doesn't like me invading her privacy, and she knew I was doing it. She tried to look past it the first time and made an excuse for it, but now she's completely turned off by me. I apologized, I know I had no right doing that. She was breaking up with me. I was in complete shock and heartbreak as I said I was sorry and tried to make things right, but from the way she was talking I knew I had lost her. As i am trying to keep the best thing I have, Cynthia comes in and takes her away. As I hug the woman I love who is leaving me not only physically but emotionally, I kept sobbing I'm sorry let me make it right and she just kept whispering back that she's sorry. I watched her drive away and I drove home in tears. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, the only thing on my mind was her.

We were texting as if nothing happened. It truly hurt to know that I completely fucked up the without a doubt best relationship I have ever had. I was still texting back, I still care about her. I noticed our conversations have gone back to normal, the way they were before the downfall, just minus the I love yous and romantic stuff. I felt like a part of me sped right out of my life. So abruptly my life changed for the worse. I wanted her back in my life so bad, but I couldn't change her opinion on what happened so sadly, I had to back off and watch the best part of my life walk out.

A few days later during one of our text conversations, she said she needed a computer with excel to finish up a project. As much as it would hurt to have her at my place at night like she used to when she spent the night, I offered my laptop because it has excel. She came over and my original plan was to sleep while she did her project, I had work at 6am. So she asks me to set everything up because she didn't know what was going wrong. I do everything I can think of and for some reason, it wasn't loading the project properly, I guess the difference from my excel '07 to excel '10 wouldn't let it read anymore. So instead of her doing homework, she starts going through my iTunes. My music library is a collection of like 4-6 different people's music and there is a lot of stuff that I don't listen to or even know existed. She proceeds to find every gay and/or embarrassing song and make fun of me for it. I tried to change the song at one point and she ended up wrestling me. We got real close at one point and all my feelings surged. I kissed her and she didn't kiss back. I said I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that and she said it was OK. Wrestling turned into a pillow fight and wrestling. We were having so much fun, just like the old times we had. At one point I'm on top of her and pinned her down, we were both breathing heavily and staring into each other's eyes. As if it was from the cheesiest movie I can think of, I whispered to her on the exhale of a breath "kiss me". Instead of saying no, she leaned in hesitantly and we kissed. At first it was nervousness between us, but after a few kisses it felt like the old us. We started kissing more intimately, and like an explosion all of our passion came out again. We got physical with each other and everything felt so... right. She was more into it that I have seen in the weeks leading up to our split. I felt whole and I wanted to stay in that moment forever. I wasn't sure if I forced it to happen or not, so I paused for a second to see if she would pull away. As she grabbed me and held me closer I knew that it was all of our feelings coming out. When we stopped, I couldn't help but see tears in her eyes. I was trying to figure out what was wrong, was she seeing someone else and I messed things up? No. Did you not want this to happen? I don't know. What does this mean for us? I don't know.

I figured with some time she would get her thoughts in one place. Until then I was holding on to the hope that she will say that she missed me and would give me another chance to prove that we can be the way we used to be. I was taking a security class in the city, and expected to be out at 10pm. I ended up getting out about 15 minutes before she got off of school so I met up with her when she got out of school. I ended up buying food for her family at the hospital and spent the day in the hospital with her. Spending time with her felt amazing, we were holding hands again and we were joking around, we can never hang out and not have a good time. When I was driving her to her car around 1130pm, I asked her what was going on between us. I understood her trust for me was broken, I didn't expect us to instantly go back to the way things were, I just wanted a chance to take baby steps towards it. She said that night the other day shouldn't have happened, and that she still didn't feel the same way towards me. I said I didn't expect her to, but just like how that night happened when you were hesitant at first then got passionate and what I think would happen if we simply just took baby steps. She still said no, and we talked for like 45 minutes about us. There was no changing her mind. At the end of the night, I said I just don't want to wonder "what if" between us. I'd want to give what we had another shot before I abandoned all the good things we had. She said it was getting late and she walked to her car.

And once again I watched her drive away with tears in my eyes, knowing I ruined the best relationship I've ever had...

I can barely sleep, knowing that by me being scared of losing her, that I lost her...